Sunday, September 8, 2013

Trying to make sense of the things that I think.

Sometimes I feel like people always think I'm lying. That I'm making it up about still not getting unemployment and thus, not having the rent money. I'm not lying. I know I can prove that I'm not lying, but still, I feel like people think I am. Does this come from the fact that I don't trust anyone? Is it because I was lied to for so long, and so often, by my ex-husband? Probably. I wonder if I can get over that. I do tend to assume that certain people are lying to me - not my kids or my mum or sister or friends, but more like people who've fucked me over in the past. I think that's pretty normal, yeah? So then why do I assume that everyone thinks that I'm lying?

My brain is weird.

I read this post by The Bloggess - she's one of the few blogs I read anymore - and it seems like I'm not the only one who feels like a total fraud. Her followup post about it has some good ideas that I may try to implement, so I don't continue down this path of self-flagellation. It's definitely not helping my depression, although I do think the depression is mostly what makes me beat myself up so badly.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Serotonin Boosters, Cider, And Some Kind Of Smelling Salts

I have a follow up appointment with my GP tomorrow. I did not take any more of the Seroquel. I just can't be that zonked out at night and feel so crappy the day. I'm tired enough as it is. I do think I'm going to talk to her about Wellbutrin, though. It's another SNRI, which is what I need, since I'm allergic to SSRIs. Maybe it will help when I start to really slide into a big depressive episode.

I've been feeling a bit better. I don't understand how this depression shit works. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. Stress does definitely play a part, but I'm under the same amount of stress as I was a month or so ago, when this all started, but I'm not nearly as down as I was. I haven't cried in days, even though every day has been filled with frustration and worry about money. And I got laid off last Monday, and while I did have a little bit of a weep about that, it didn't send me into a tailspin. It pissed me off, more than anything.

If I could just figure out what triggers these episodes, I might be able to figure out how to head them off. It would be nice to not be blindsided by this crap. I don't really enjoy having to lie in bed, sorting thru my brain, in order to figure out whether or not I'm going to be able to face the day.

This song helps. And it makes me smile, which is never a bad thing.