Surfacing

I think I may be surfacing from my latest bout with depression.

Being in the midst of depressions sucks, but it's almost scarier when you're starting to come thru to the other side because you can feel the darkness reaching out for you, wanting to pull you back under, and sometimes that pull is kind of seductive. Sometimes I would like to just fall back into it and never get out of bed again. This teetering on the edge, waiting to fall on one side or the other, is way too precarious for me. It makes me feel kind of fragile and shaky and I don't like it at all.

I wish I could just make the depression go away for good. I hate it so much.

Black Dog

I started hitting myself with a steel stapler tonight. It was either that or the knife block.

Thank god I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow.

A Special Kind Of Fucked Up

I've been trying to date again. I split up with my husband about 4 years ago now, and I've had a few dates here and there, but nothing has gone anywhere. I can't figure out if it's me or if it's them or if it's a bit of both. I just know as soon as a guy starts kissing me, I freeze up and freak out and stop things from going any further.

My ex cheated on me, several times, as I came to find out after we broke up, and it really did a number on my self-esteem. But it's been almost 4 years. I don't want him back. I don't find him attractive anymore. But I can't see to move on to someone else because my skin starts crawling and I feel like I'm under attack when I start getting kissed. And these aren't guys who are being pushy - it's just a normal kiss.

I don't really want to be alone for the rest of my life but I can't seem to figure out how to get past this.

Blog Privacy

I quit blogging on my regular blog because I felt like too many people were reading it whom I didn't want reading it. My ex-husband, my father, and his insane wife, for starters. I'd said some deeply personal things on there that, in retrospect, could be taken out of context, or in my father and his crazy wife's case, used against me. So I shut it down. I'm now vacillating on how much I want to put on here. I know the chances of the crazy wife finding it are slim to none, and since my page views are in the single digits, no one is reading this, but I'm paranoid now.

Where do you draw the line, even when your blog is anonymous? Is there any such thing as internet privacy any more? Should I just assume that everyone who was reading my other blog may find this one?

The problem is, I love the outlet of writing and I don't want to have an entirely private blog because what's the point? I may as well talk to myself. More than I already do. I could talk to my cats, but they are singularly lacking in anything resembling empathy. Or the ability to talk back to me.

I have things I want to say and I don't want to let the fear of being found strangle my words.