Saturday, October 19, 2013

On Being Single

I was talking to a friend of mine today about being in a relationship. She's also single and kind of loves it. I'm more unsure about how I feel about being single. I love that I have the bed to myself and that I can watch whatever I want on the television without being sighed at. I love that I can hang out with my friends without feeling guilty. I love that I don't have to make nice to his friends when I actually don't really like them.

But it does get lonely sometimes, and that loneliness really screws up my head. It makes me so sad and desperate and depressed that it scares me. I start eying the knives and sometimes will bang the stapler against my arm in order to make that depression back off a little bit.

The problem is, it never does, not fully. It's always there, waiting in the background, knowing that it has the upper hand, knowing it will always be back.

The days that are hard around here, when the kids are acting up or when money is more tight than usual is when I think it would be nice to have some backup. Someone there to catch me when I fall. And someone I could do the same for. Someone to share all the fun times, with, too. All the silly things the kids say and do, all the good things that happen. That's when I miss being in a relationship. A true, trusting, honest relationship. That's all I really want. I think that's all most people want in a relationship - pure trust.

The last time I left myself open to that, I got shat on. It's becoming increasingly difficult for me to allow myself to trust anyone again. I even close my inner self off to most of my friends, just for fear of being rejected. I worry that if they know the real me, the one who says all those horrible things about herself, then they'll think I'm crazy and won't want to be friends with me any more. That's why I hate that voice.

I wonder how I can regain the ability to trust again. Is it even possible? Maybe I should just give up on the idea of being with another person again. I mean, being single really isn't all that bad. Although, I do wonder if I'm just not telling myself that in order to keep any possible partner at bay, in order to make sure my heart doesn't get hurt again.

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