Friday, August 9, 2013

I should just rename this blog The Big Blog of Depression.

I was trolling thru the jobs section on Craigslist yesterday, when I noticed a listing for a short contract job I did in June/July. They need someone again. They didn't contact me. Maybe I really am shitty at what I do. Maybe I should just find some dumb, $10 an hour job and say fuck it to trying to have a career in anything. Maybe that's all I'm capable of doing.

And I have to go drop off my laptop at the job I have right now, the job that reduce my hours to a whopping 8 hours a week when my kid got sick last fall. The job that gave my job away to someone they fucking FIRED a year before. I don't want to see any of them. I'm afraid of what I might say. Because what I want to say is something like this:

Thanks for kicking me in the head when I was down. Thanks for giving my job away to someone else, thanks for not understanding that my sick child is important, but so is my job, and that, even while she was in the hospital, I was still doing my work, bringing my laptop with me to appointments and into the hospital, so I could be there for her AND still get my work done. Thanks for leaving that shitty accidental voice mail saying that I never answered the phones and was terrible at my job. Thanks for putting me down when another company called, looking for a reference. That was really great. You people suck and I hope you go out of business.

I just feel like, ever since my hours were reduced, that my life has been one long suckfest. I'm completely broke right now. I can't even afford to get my kid a birthday present. I had to go to a food pantry last week because I didn't have enough money to buy food. I'm rationing fucking toilet paper because I'm so strapped right now. And the shitty part of my brain, the one that sends me into these funks, is saying "It's because of those people at work. They're badmouthing you around and that's why you can't find another job." I have no proof that that's true, mind you, but that's what my brain is doing.

I hate my brain.

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